5/15 The Lucid and Ludicrous Little 500 Bash!

The Lucid and Ludicrous Little 500 Bash!Cum one, cum all, come virgins, cum sloppies, to Cocky and Sharty’s Lucid and Lucicrous Little 500 bash!! Now that Bloomington has calmed down, we can ride bikes and drink beer just like the undergrads do!

Bring a bike, yourself, any virgins you can scrounge up, and a measly $6 this Sunday at 3pm. We will be gathering in the back parking lot behind the Alpha Phi Sorority house on the corner of 3rd and Woodlawn.

When: Sunday, 5/15 at 3 PM
Where: Alpha Phi Sorority House 908 E 3rd St, Bloomington, IN 47406
How much: $6, virgins are free

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5/13 Wild Hare & Food Drive Hash by Lick Her’Package!

Wild Hare & Food Drive by Lick Her'Package!Everywank’s favorite mailman is going to lay us… AGAIN. This time to support the post office’s annual food drive!

It’s true! Along with honorary mail carrier Susie Bee Strokeher, we’re gonna collect some freaking food to donate to the local Hoosier Hills Food Bank all while drinking some beers!

Some background–the National Association of Letter Carriers (NALC) does a national food drive once a year the second Saturday of May (May 14 this year). This will be its 24th year running–mail customers can put out non-perishable foodstuffs at their mailboxes and their mail carriers will pick them up. The food will then be handed off to local food banks at the nearby post office. Hoosier Hills Food Bank got 37,741 pounds of food from last year’s drive so it’s a big deal!

What is required of us half-minds to attend, you may ask?

BRING FOOD! Non-perishable food to be exact. Bring some good shit too–not just a buncha cans of pumpkin pie filling or beets. Minimum of 5 canned goods or $5-$7 worth of food.

Beer will be bought depending on how many people say they will attend so RSVP. Like seriously!

If you bring a virgin, that’s cool. Since it’s a charity thing though, encourage them to bring some food to donate. If some of y’all wanks can’t cum, be sure to leave some food at your mailbox/cluster box unit for your mail carrier to pick up the next day!

I realize we are all half-minds, but this is an awesome chance to make a difference in our community and drink beer at the same time! Beer drinking while helping out those less fortunate, don’t get much better than that! 😀

When: Friday, May 13 at 7 PM
Where: IU Cross Country Course, 47408
How Much: Minimum of 5 canned goods or $5-$7 worth of food

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5/7 BUTRz Off Dead Hash

BUTRz Off Dead HashFADE IN:

MIDDLE OF SCARLET OAK WOODS, NORTH EAST OF BLOOMINGTON — MID DAY

The sun rays shine down through the tree cover somewhere in south central Indiana. The sounds of birds can be heard in the background. The occasional brush of wind against the leaves.

CIRCUSCISION: Why did I agree to lay this trail?
BRINGS UP THE REAR: Because you love John Cusack?
CIRCUSCISION: Fair enough, but this trail has more ups and downs then his career.
BRINGS UP THE REAR: Can’t have the highs without the lows. At least the paper boy has stopped chasing us.
CIRCUSCISION: Who knew that the first paper wasn’t free like your first hash. I thought virgin readers counted for something.
BRINGS UP THE REAR: Nope. No way I’m giving him two dollars either, let alone seven. He didn’t even give us a beer. Oh, hey, I brought snacks.
*** BUTRz pulls out ziplock bags of oatmeal bars. Circusicion looks suspect. ***
BRINGS UP THE REAR: They have raisins in them! You like raisins!
CIRCUSICION: What I’d really like is to finish laying this trail.
BRINGS UP THE REAR: We’re almost to beer check. Buck up little camper, we’ll tackle that last slope together.

FADE OUT

Start Location: Scarlet Oak Woods
https://sycamorelandtrust.org/scarlet-oak-woods/
Rough Lat/Lon: 39.213069, -86.437484

Typing “Scarlet Oak Woods” into Waze will take you right there.

PLEASE Carpool. There’s a bigger place to park up the street about half a mile we could potentially ferry people from. There’s a tiny bit of parking at the start of trail but not a ton. It’s at the end of the street in the neighborhood.

Trail won’t be dog friendly due to rough terrain. I wouldn’t want to subject our four legged friends to it.

Please bring DEET or some other bug spray of your choice. In fact, you may want to bring some on trail to re-apply. The ticks are bad this season.

Cost: $7 Experienced Hashers and/or John Cusack fans, free for first-timers.
When: Saturday, May 7 at 4 PM

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5/6 Ana(l)gram New Moon Bash

Ana(l)gram New Moon BashCum join Lick Her’Package and F. Lots Pittsgerald this Friday for a New Moon Clue Bash beginning at 6:30!

We will be leaving from the parking lot across the street from the Atlas, so anyone who wants to attend Hash Practice (beginning at 5:30) beforehand can do so.

Free for virgin asses
$6 for well-seasoned rumps

When: Friday, 5/6 at 6:30pm
Where: Parking Lot across the Street from The Atlas

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5/1 What’sup Let’s Bash Today Bash

What'sup Let's Bash Today BashWhat’sup wanks?

Cum get down with the Chronic and Pitts this Sunday for the dopest trail imaginable! (It’s seriously gonna be soooo dope.)

Trail will be appropriate for all bike types and levels of skill, so break out that single speed or cruiser and get ready to tool around town.

When: 3:00, May 1
Where: Boner’s Lot <map>
Who: Bared by Gin & Chronic and Pitts
Cost: $6 for all you dope bashers, free for virgins

And here’s another dope pic of Shaq and The Dream riding with some Taco Bell for your viewing pleasure: http://i.imgur.com/qW8CBgw.jpg

GENERAL THINGS TO KNOW:
– As responsible cyclists, we follow traffic laws (stop at signs/lights, signal turns, etc.)
– Use of a helmet is strongly encouraged (not required)
– Be courteous to those around you (including people in cars!)
– Have fun!

LEGAL STUFF: Disclaimer and release – Please Read
By participating in any activities with Bloomington Bash, you acknowledge, appreciate, and agree that:

1. The risk of injury from cycling–especially while drinking–is significant, and while particular skills, equipment, and personal discipline may reduce this risk, the risk of serious and potentially fatal injury does exist; and

2. I KNOWINGLY AND FREELY ASSUME ALL SUCH RISKS, both known and unknown, EVEN IF ARISING FROM THE NEGLIGENCE BY YOURSELF or others, and assume full responsibility for my participation; and

3. I willingly agree to comply with the stated and customary terms and conditions for participation. If, however, I observe any unusual significant hazard during my presence or participation, I will remove myself from participation and bring such to the attention of other cyclists immediately; and

4. I, for myself and on behalf of my heirs, assigns, personal representatives and next of kin, HEREBY RELEASE, INDEMNIFY, AND HOLD HARMLESS the Bloomington Bash, their officers, officials, agents and/or employees, other participants, sponsoring agencies, sponsors, advertisers, and, if applicable, owners and lessors of premises used for the activity, WITH RESPECT TO ANY AND ALL INJURY, DISABILITY, DEATH, or loss or damage to person or property associated with my presence or participation, WHETHER ARISING FROM THE NEGLIGENCE BY MYSELF OR OTHERS, to the fullest extent of permitted by law.

I HAVE READ THIS RELEASE OF LIABILITY AND ASSUMPTION OF RISK AGREEMENT, I FULLY UNDERSTAND ITS TERMS, I UNDERSTAND THAT I HAVE GIVEN UP SUBSTANTIAL RIGHTS BY JOINING IN BASHES, AND I AGREE WITH IT FREELY AND VOLUNTARILY WITHOUT ANY INDUCEMENT.

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4/22 Fool Moon Hash of the Virgins!

Total Eclipse of the HashTwo virgin hares, LickHerp Package and Hentai Me Up, are fated to pop their cherries this Friday night under the light of the full moon. Neither thought their first time would be with another virgin. They had both watched others do it and it didn’t look that hard (that’s what she said!) To prepare, they read up on the significance of proper (pre)lubrication. They sought guidance from those well-practiced in the art of a good lay, who then shared words of wisdom, such as the importance of leaving a trail of flours to the sweet spot. The most reassuring tip (no, not that one!) of all was that since it’s going to be getting dark and the moon is the best of all mood lighting, the whole thing can be quick and messy, and no one will be disappointed. These virgins may have needed a map and a flashlight and all four hands, but eventually they figured out where all the erogenous zones should be, and now all of you will benefit from their careful study.

Cum to the parking lot west of the Marriott Courtyard (south of the High Speed Tire & Automotive) at 7:00 PM this Friday night. If you’re not a virgin anymore, that’s ok, but you have to pay the price! ($7) Bring a virgin with you and they get laid for free along with all the other virgins, and though you won’t need a map, bring a flashlight, just in case it gets dark and you need to get a closer look at something (like flour… or something). This trail is not necessarily suitable for your four-legged friends. So, if you bring ’em, make sure to bring protection (a leash!).

When: Friday, April 22 at 7 PM
Where: Large Parking Lot West of the Marriott Courtyard and South of High Speed Tires and Automotive
How much: $7, free for first-timers

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Captain Planet Earth Day Celebration Hash

Captain Planet Earth Day Celebration HashIn celebration of Earth Day weekend, cum run through the shiggy with our favorite early 90’s cartoon caricature of all things green.

$0 for first timers, and $7 for the rest of you wanks.

When: Saturday, April 23 at 4 PM
Where: Bryant Shelter Morgan-Monroe State Forest

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Lil’ (500) Red (Head) Riding The Library Hood Book Bash

Lil' (500) Red (Head) Riding The Library Hood Book BashOnce upon a time (as it is said),
There were 2 lil’ riders with hair of red.
They found that on a weekend day,
They still had more time to play

Please follow along with this short tale,
As there is info about the trail.

So Sunday at the hour of three;
They’ll gather wankers merrily!

9th street park is the sight of fun,
But bring your bike because we don’t run.

After red dressed days of debauchery,
The wanks still drink but not for free–

Six dollars is the going rate,
But those pure of heart need only bring fate (i.e., virgins are free).

Big bloodshot eyes can give us looks,
But this trail is really about free books

Books: what’s that you hear with your ear?
Are we going to read while we sip beer?

Why yes, our trek has more purpose
To find things beyond the surface!

Libraries scattered throughout our town will be the focus of this round

To take or give, it doesn’t matter,
But we’d like your help with the latter.

Donate stories in which you can sink your teeth
Because sharing knowledge is what we’ll bequeath!

Wear your capes of scarlet red
If you’d wish to cover your head (wsh?)

(Prose translation:
Start at 3 East parking lot of 9th street park. $6 for veterans; free for virgins. Bring books to donate to the mini free libraries if you like! Also, use your red dress as a cape if you attended red dress r*n … Encouraged but not required)
Details to follow

When: Sunday, 4/17 at 3pm
Where: Rev. Ernest D. Butler Park (aka 9th St Park), east lot
How much: $6, virgins are free

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Beerfestivus for the rest of us! Hash

Beerfestivus for the rest of us!NOTE: This is the first 2016 hash to move to our summer start time of 4:00 PM!

For the wanks who don’t want to rub elbows with hundreds of people to drink beer from small plastic vessels, we bring you the Beerfest-ivus for the rest of us! Admission is cheap, only $7 experienced festival goers (instead of $40), $0 first timers. You will have beer from many (at least two) breweries, the lines will be short (but the trails may be long), the snacks will be orange, parking will be free, and the woods will be our playground!

Location: Yellowwood State Forest – Jackson Creek Trailhead parking lot
GPS Coordinates: 39.192573, -86.345702
Time: 4:00 pm

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Wizest Wasted Wizard Bash

Wizest Wasted Wizard BashRumor has it that a variety of bad beers are plotting to take over Bloomington and the surrounding area–their goal? Utter destruction of anything delicious and drinkable!

Your two wisest (and potentially wasted) wizards, Lick Herp Package and Eight Balls of Fire, request your presence at precisely 3pm this Sunday at Boner’s Lot to combat this travesty!

Alas, we have grown old and fragile–for being a wise and wasted wizard can take a toll on one’s health (believe it or not!). Therefore we will require your assistance in protecting the fine beer of Bloomington from dark forces unknown!

But fear not would be wise/wasted wizards, for we will provide thee with powerful spells to assist you in your quest! And if all goes well, these horrid, nefarious beers will be scattered to the far recesses of the podunk towns surrounding Bloomington for them to drink instead of us! (Because bad beer always finds it’s way back…)

And maybe, just maybe, one of you, and only one, will earn the esteemed title of the Wizest Wasted Wizard. Bragging rights abound!

Intrigued? You should be. Cause this is effing Lick Herp Package’s 10th bash he’s bared/helped bare so expect something crazy!

Admission will be $6. Virgins are free. Duh.

When: Sunday, 4/3 at 3pm
Where: Boner’s Lot <map>

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